At least once a week, I wonder if I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. At times, I don’t know how I feel. I am confused, and it’s been a roller coaster ride for me with my husband, the ADHD gambler. There are days when I doubt myself and I do get depressed. It’s tough when you can’t level with your spouse and when he doesn’t want to get treatment for his issues. I think I just learned to soldier on without closure on many things, and right now, I feel it’s taking a toll on me.
Too Much In Love Or Too Blind To See?
I used to believe that we were the perfect couple. We married early, due to my husband’s impulsiveness, I see it now. When we were 19, we got pregnant, and instead of leading separate lives, he proposed to me, and I was blind in love. I accepted without thinking of the future.
We had a beautiful wedding courtesy of his parents, and we’ve been living the life, money and all, thanks to his parents again. Everything was about thanking his parents – the car we’re driving, the house we’re living in, and even the expenses concerning our daughter – they were a “THANK YOU” to mom and dad. And now, ten years after the fact, it’s still the same way.
“Thanks for the allowance, dad.”
“This is so great, mom. I appreciate you paying for my daughter’s private school tuition.”
“I love the car, daddy! This model is amazing, thanks!”
Seriously? We are almost thirty years old, and it’s still always “thank you mom” or “thank you, dad.” Where is my backbone? My husband doesn’t seem to be bothered by it.
I Assess Myself, And I See What?
And so I come back to that point – What am I supposed to do? Am I doing the right thing? What exactly do I have to do? I feel so lost in my life right now, and frankly, it’s been so long since I made a stand and stuck with my choice. I always agreed with mom and dad since they pay for everything. It’s like I’ve become a robot. Where is my sense of self? I feel imprisoned and trapped. When will I be free?
What Do I Have To Change?
If I decide to woman up and stop my parents-in-law from enabling us, what will happen? Yes, I can feed my children with what I am earning now. The house is not in our name, and if we do decide to live here still, the house bills must be paid by us. Can we afford it? If only it were easy to talk to my spouse and give him a list of WHAT WE NEED TO DO, it would have been easier.
But I can’t do that. I’ve tried it in the past, and my husband just can’t seem to follow what needs to be done. He is irresponsible and spoiled. His mother enabled him for such a long time. Did I quit on him? No. But I can’t do anything to bring us back on track, either.
I can’t “talk” to him. We talk, but we’re not communicating on the things that matter. He’s been shallow for a very long time, selfish, and acting like a child. I’m full of resentment. Do I regret my impulsive decision of marrying him? Five years ago, I’d say yes. But I look at my daughter now and no regrets there. How can I reach him? Will I be able to get through to him and start planning on our life? Is this the life I want to lead forever? How will things change?
Relax, Think, And Decide
My great uncle once said that if you are angry, don’t make a decision. If you don’t know what to do, relax and don’t do anything just yet. Talk to a psychiatrist, my uncle said. You can cleanse your mind with regular talk therapy sessions. I think he is right.
So maybe, for now, I have to relax. I have to think about myself and my daughter, without having to make rash decisions. I know now where my thoughtless decisions of the past have brought me. I can’t make the same mistakes again. I think I need to improve myself, for now. Talk to a therapist once a week, go back to school, and finish my degree so that when worse comes to worse, and I decide to leave him, I have a fallback. I can start a life.
I don’t want this, but I’m hurting inside every single day. I don’t know how much more I can take of this. If I can’t help my husband, I guess, I have to help myself.