Divorcing My Husband Of 20 Years – How I Healed And Moved On

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I didn’t know that it would hurt this bad. It was super painful. From a scale of 1-10, my agony over this hell is 100. And it’s just getting stronger.

 

The pain I’m feeling now is like no other ache in this world. I know a lot of physical pain because I’m a mom. My body has endured five births for the last twenty years. Giving birth is nothing compared to this. I’ve tried surgery too, and post-op was excruciating. I would rather experience ten post-ops than go through this again. Heartbreak – it’s a pain like nothing else.

 

Facing The Reality

 

I’m not a romantic. People call me a realist even, but when I saw my husband hand-in-hand with a young blonde who is 15 years my junior, my breathing stopped. It’s like as if no air went inside my nostrils. Air didn’t reach my lungs. I just stood there, not knowing what to do, as my world turned to a halt. Everything was in slow motion as I was staring at them, giving each other kisses and loving hugs.

 

My friends told me about my husband seeing a 20-something bimbo. I didn’t believe them, and now, I saw it for myself.

 

Sigh, okay. The woman is not a slut. I’m just too hurt that’s why I called her a bimbo, and I wanted to put her down. That woman is sleeping with my husband, the father of my five children, and the person I was supposed to stay married to until the end of time for me. Knowing now that he has betrayed me, I may be facing divorce.

 

Why Did He Have To Lie?

 

If he didn’t love me anymore and wanted other women, why did he have to lie to me? This thought has been going on and on inside my head. It would have been better if he was upfront and told me to my face – Hey, Betsy. You’re old, and I’m sick of you. I want to bang other women and dang – did I say you’re old?

 

And I can even manage to make fun of myself. How funny indeed!

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The Revelation

 

I made it a night to remember for us. After I discovered his infidelity, I planned the perfect revelation moment. I was going to blow up on his face, and I’d like to see how he’d respond.

 

It was a make or break kind of scenario, but what have I got to lose? There are only two things that can come out of this – he leaves me and will be with her, or he dumps her and will be with me. I don’t like both outcomes, honestly. But I’m dramatic for a realist. This thing had to be done.

 

When he came home that same week on a Saturday, probably after being with her, dinner was waiting for him. I prepared his favorite which was Paella Negra and bought white Gewürztraminer wine. This night was a celebration – ending the lies in our marriage is worth celebrating, right? The table was set, and I used my mother’s china and silverware. I was also wearing high heels and a white A-line silhouette dress with Ruby Woo lipstick. For a 45-year-old woman, I sure looked beautiful and elegant.

 

He noticed the glow immediately and may have complimented me. What he said, I didn’t hear. Everything in the small chit-chat before the revelation was a blur to me. I just put on a sheepish smile, and he observed that too.

 

“What’s with the weird smile, baby?” He said.

 

“Was my smile weird?” I asked him.

 

“Yeah, what’s up?” He replied.

 

“Oh, nothing.” I said. “Oh yeah, it’s something. I almost forgot. I saw you last Tuesday at Green Garden Hotel.” He tensed up when I said that. “She’s young and pretty, too.” My voice was cold as ice.

 

“What are you talking about, babe?”He nervously asked me.

 

“Baby, there’s no need for you to deny or to hide the truth. And it’s okay. Truly. I’ve accepted the fact that my husband of 20 years and the father of my children is screwing another woman. Your pictures are here on my phone, checking in that slimy hotel as Mr. and Mrs. Scott. Is she Mrs. Scott now? That was fast, huh?” I was surprised at how strong it came out.

 

I stood up and started clearing the table. My husband was still sitting down, and his face was in shock.

 

“It’s not what it looks like;” my husband attempted to say. I cut him off before he can tell me more lies.

 

“Ricky, that’s enough. I’m angry, but I’m not exploding in front of you. The kids are asleep upstairs, and I don’t want them to wake up and see us arguing. There are only two things I want to say to you. One, you should have told me that you didn’t want to be with me anymore. It didn’t have to end this way. We could have parted ways amicably. But with what you did now, everything will be different. The last thing that I wanted to say – I’m filing for a divorce. And I want everything.” I walked out the door after that last sentence.

 

I left him that night and slept in a hotel. My tears were buckets, and I cried all night until the next morning. It was real. We were divorcing, and nothing is going to stop it now.

 

After The Reality Of Divorce

 

The pain eventually subsided, and my life went on. I got the kids and half our estate. There was also monthly support from him, and it was fun at first to see him squirm.

 

He wanted to get back together, but why would I? I may have healed from his betrayal, and in a way, I have forgiven him for what he did tome and our marriage. That doesn’t mean I have to come back to scraps and hand-me-downs. I may be old, but I have standards.

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Moving On

 

I’m just trying to live my life now, and that means taking care of the kids, yoga every day after work, seeing my therapist every weekend, and dating this 50-year-old hunk who adores my children and me. Since my ex-husband, I have learned that I should never settle for second-best. I should always be a priority and I deserve the best.

No matter how painful it was, I healed. I recovered, and I moved on with my life. It was never easy, but I did it.

Top 10 Web Forums For Relationship Counseling, Advice And Support (Part 2)

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As said in the previous post, this is part two of the Top 10 web forums for relationship counseling, advice, and support. A long post will bore readers, and that’s why this article was divided into two. 

 

Anyway, it’s better to discuss fewer things in one go so that the reader will absorb all of it. This blog is about relationship help and blowing too much information at one time will confuse the person reading it. With this, the discussion continues as people need all the help they can get when it comes to their love life.

 

Marriage Builders Discussion Forums

 

The Marriage Builder Discussion Forums is composed of an active community. People come and go to seek marriage-related support, tips, advice, answers, and encouragement. It also helps couples even to strengthen and rekindle their love for each other and find ways on how to bond together as a family as well.

 

There is also a question and answer column in this forum. Dr. Harley, the creator of Marriage Builders and a well-renowned author, compiled a list of topics that patients of his asked advice on over the years. It is a very worthy read, and if you have queries that are a bit sensitive, you can scroll down on this column. 

 

Marriage Helper Forums

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Joe Beam and his team’s work, the Marriage Helper, has been assisting people on their marriages since 2011. To do this, they are using trends in relationships to make marriages work and for couples to stay together using new and innovative techniques. Issues such as sex, intimacy, resentment, affairs, and economic problems are also being tackled in the forum.

 

MedHelp Communities

 

The forums at MedHelp provides relationship and family counseling. To even help people more efficiently, separate forums for the community-based answers and professional advice are put up.

 

If you notice on the site, the top forum is about diabetes. If you or your partner are suffering from this disease, it can be a helpful community. Everything is practically on this site, and they have all kinds of sources when it comes to physical and mental health. As for relationship issues, it would be best to go to their Mental Health – Relationships community forum.

 

Talk About Marriage

 

This forum talks about a marriage or a relationship from different standpoints in life to even better understand how things work. They also provide several tips for couples to stay together amidst problems and for families to have a more loving relationship.

 

You Are Not Alone

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Having issues and problems in life makes you seem that no one is with you. But with You Are Not Alone, you are indeed not alone as forum members of this community are there to support you. Hold on and never give up on your life and your loved one – that is if there’s still love in your heart.

 

Including the first post, these are just ten of the best places to seek advice and answers when facing some family or relationship issues. Don’t hesitate to join these forums. If you want, post your problems anonymously, and answers will show up in no time. Other messages of support will also come your way.

 

Top 10 Web Forums For Relationship Counseling, Advice And Support (Part 1)

The quote goes like this: “It takes a community to nurture a child.” Communities are necessary primarily if they are supporting people who are in the midst of separation, having troubles with parenting, undergoing relationship issues, suffering from depression, facing a crisis and more. These said communities have good people in them who help others cope, move on and surpass the trials in their lives.

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With that, one can always turn to online communities who assist. These ten forums over the internet are available for you to open up your problems. It is also a way for you to let other people lessen your burden, those who know what you are going through right now. Expect some counseling, support, and advice. 

 

These forums are also highly moderated by professional counselors and other community members as well, so don’t be afraid. Also, it’s essential to discuss these forums in detail and without rush. With that, there will be a part two, meaning this blog will only present five of the ten sites while a second part blog will complete the series. 

 

Read on, learn more, and hopefully your relationship problems will be solved by these online tools. 

 

About: Marriage Forum

 

About Marriage Forum is indeed a haven for couples who are experiencing some challenges in their lives. It was created by Bob and Sheri Stritof of About.com, and the community also moderates the forum. Aside from this, Marriage Forum also provides money saving tips, freebies, and deals, recipes, gardening tips, do it yourself projects, homesteading, entrepreneurship and holiday planning discussions. 

 

If you have a concern with your partner or spouse and you don’t know how to talk to him or her about it, go to About’s Marriage Forum.

 

EHealth: Relationships and Marriage Forum

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eHealth Relationships and Marriage Forum is a group tackling issues about the emotional, mental and physical connection among couples. They aim to preserve and improve lives by delivering valuable information and discussions about health through the internet.

 

Experts in eHealth understand that couples or one of the partners in a relationship may have mental health problems. Issues like depression, bipolar disorder, adult ADHD and ASD, OCD, DID, and similar concerns may plague a relationship. The forums in eHealth would like to assist in that matter and help you become a well-rounded partner to your loved one. 

 

The Law: Family, Marriage, And Divorce Forum

 

This forum provides family, marriage and divorce tips and advice from a legal standpoint. Issues about family matters, premarital issues, engagement, marriage, divorce, name changes, annulment, child support, alimony, adultery, domestic violence, child neglect and many more are being tackled in this forum.

 

ExpertLaw: Divorce And Family Law Group

 

ExpertLaw’s Family and Divorce Forum talks about the laws regarding family and marital relationships. It will help you gear up for what can happen especially in the courts. If you are on the brink of separating or divorcing your spouse, this may be a helpful place for you. 

 

LoveShack

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LoveShack features a community that provides profound dating advice, tips, articles and discussions that are worth considering. It aims to help you improve and understand everything that is going on with your relationships and other issues regarding social interaction. If the love is new, go to LoveShack for some honest love advice.

 

As mentioned earlier, there are only five forums in this article. The next five will be discussed in a part two blog. 

 

Every adult on this planet is experiencing a relationship concern. It’s not just you, which means you are not alone in this burden. Reach out and talk to others. It will help ease the pain and provide insight on what you need to do.

Is Love Enough?

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I used to think that love was enough. Two decades through this roller coaster journey called marriage, I have realized something. Love may be unconditional for some, but come on. Can you still love a person who keeps on cheating on you, lies to you every chance he gets and will keep you high and dry when worse comes to worst?

 

Unconditional Love Or Stupidity?

 

For real, I think it’s stupidity to keep on hoping that he will change. The truth is, I believe that will never happen. It’s been 20 long and painful years. If he didn’t turn on the first year, then why change now, right? Also, if there is “unconditional love,” how come the father of my children didn’t get the memo?

 

I’m sarcastic, I know. With what happened to my life, you’d be sassy too. He played with fire a lot of times and even got one of his mistresses pregnant, twelve years ago. After a few months, he got me pregnant too. Wow, I know. He’s such a class act.

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Don’t Say Bad Things About Him To The Kids

 

But he’s the father of my children, and while he’s a terrible husband, he’s the best father and a good provider. He provided for all of us, and we live a comfortable life. We have a roof over our heads. There’s food on the table, three times a day. We have emergency funds, and kids go to private schools. We are not moneyed, but we have enough. But then again, should I bow my head? Must I be satisfied with him taking care of the money part only, and let him step on my heart for many times?

 

Comments And Suggestions By Family And Friends

 

My siblings told me to leave him. They’re both independent women who divorced their husbands. It’s easy for them because they’re childless. The situation is difficult to handle when kids are involved.

 

I was shocked with what my gramps had to say – Your husband got tired of your womanhood. Say what? What did he mean by that? My “womanhood?” So, I’m not good in bed? Seriously? That created a deep sting, but he may be right. If my husband was satisfied with my performance, why would he look for waitresses, secretaries, nannies, cashiers, and the likes for fun? Did I lose my groove?

 

As for my girls, they are beyond pissed. One of them saw my husband in a hotel about to check in with a cheapo, and did she confront him! Pulled the extensions off his side bet. Thank God for loyal and faithful friends. They want me to sue him and get everything.

 

Of course, they are all angry. These people are my loved ones and they are worried about me. I can’t blame them. It is one of the reasons why I don’t tell them about things that happen to me because they will inevitably get in the way. But right now, I just can’t. I am too weak, and I need help.

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So What Do I Do Now?

 

I’m too broken right now, honestly. I don’t know what to do and how to go about this. What I do know is that I have to lift myself up. And so with that, I asked assistance from a relationship counselor. Yes, it’s just me. My husband doesn’t know I’m consulting a counselor. I want to heal, and when I’m relieved of all the pain, I think I will be able to decide on what to do with my life by then. 

 

Is love enough? If I’m talking about myself, healing myself and repairing the mental anguish, I say yes, love for myself is enough. It will always be enough.

When To Seek For Marriage Counseling

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Most dreams and hopes for relationships go like this: 

 

Step one, meet “The One.” 

Step two, fall in love deeply

Step three, get married

And, lastly, live happily ever after.

 

However, that is almost never the case. Sometimes, marriage may feel like a chokehold instead of a warm embrace. Diving into marriage is, without a doubt, a lot of work. The relationship has gotten more profound, and there is a more significant responsibility of keeping the foundation of trust and respect between the couple intact and well.

 

But with or without trust and respect, facing troubles and hurdles is inevitable in marriage. Anything, even the most minuscule matter, can tick your partner off or lead to broader issues. The union and stability the couple once had can be threatened by stress or tension. That’s where the need to save the marriage kicks in.

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Do We Need Marriage Counseling?

 

How do you know if you and your partner need marriage counseling? The following signs and behaviors are essential in figuring out whether or not you might need professional help:

 

Talking To Walls

 

Most problems in relationships often spring up because of lack of communication (whether it’s one-sided or caused by both parties). Counseling and therapy can provide alternatives or measures to improve deteriorating communication between couples. It won’t feel like you’re talking to walls anymore.

 

Arguments here, and discussions there. Do you argue over everything? Arguing even over the smallest things can escalate and overpower logical thinking. Sometimes it’s not also the matter you’re discussing together. The tone of one’s voice can easily irritate the other party, which may lead to emotional and verbal abuse. It’s always best to watch what you’re saying, especially how you say it.

 

Afraid Of Communication 

 

The relationship may break down if there is the fear of bringing up issues. This clouds how the partners see each other and what they genuinely want to discuss. A therapist can help you clear out this judgment, allowing the couple to be open about each other’s issues and difficulties.

 

Keeping Secrets

 

It is true that both partners have a right to privacy, but keeping secrets from each other, especially thoughts on the relationship, can be mentally taxing.

 

You’re The Bad Guy 

 

Something isn’t right when you see your partner as the “villain” or the “antagonist.” The couple shouldn’t be against each other. Instead, they need to work as a team. Counseling can help you and your partner sort out your feelings about each other.

 

Having Or Considering An Affair

 

It takes a lot of patience and hard work to recover if your significant other has had an affair. Although it’s not impossible, it’s difficult to forgive and move on entirely. Counseling sessions can help the couple to be honest and decide how to fix the marriage, especially when you feel like you desire “someone” else.

 

Living And Staying Together Is A Chore 

 

There is a need for marriage counseling when the couple feels like they’re only there to “just occupy the same space.” The lack of communication and intimacy can be very detrimental to the relationship.

 

Too Different 

 

If you feel like everything you believe in is entirely against the beliefs of your partner, then there is a need to seek for professionals. Sometimes, it’s only difficult for the couple to resolve their differences because even if they know what’s wrong, they don’t know how to deal with it.

 

Staying Together Only For The Children 

 

Children are very intuitive and observant. They can tell whether or not their parents are happy. With that said, children shouldn’t be the deciding factor in keeping a marriage. Counseling and therapy can help in achieving a more comfortable and healthier relationship, and improve the overall mood of the family.

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Some couples have separated because they waited too long to seek professional help or an objective third party. It is essential to keep an honest mind and be open to many suggestions and considerations of saving a marriage.

When Your Thoughts Make You Realize Things In Your Life (Talking To A Psychiatrist Might Help)

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At least once a week, I wonder if I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. At times, I don’t know how I feel. I am confused, and it’s been a roller coaster ride for me with my husband, the ADHD gambler. There are days when I doubt myself and I do get depressed. It’s tough when you can’t level with your spouse and when he doesn’t want to get treatment for his issues. I think I just learned to soldier on without closure on many things, and right now, I feel it’s taking a toll on me.

 

Too Much In Love Or Too Blind To See?

 

I used to believe that we were the perfect couple. We married early, due to my husband’s impulsiveness, I see it now. When we were 19, we got pregnant, and instead of leading separate lives, he proposed to me, and I was blind in love. I accepted without thinking of the future.

 

We had a beautiful wedding courtesy of his parents, and we’ve been living the life, money and all, thanks to his parents again. Everything was about thanking his parents – the car we’re driving, the house we’re living in, and even the expenses concerning our daughter – they were a “THANK YOU” to mom and dad. And now, ten years after the fact, it’s still the same way. 

 

“Thanks for the allowance, dad.” 

“This is so great, mom. I appreciate you paying for my daughter’s private school tuition.”

“I love the car, daddy! This model is amazing, thanks!”

 

Seriously? We are almost thirty years old, and it’s still always “thank you mom” or “thank you, dad.” Where is my backbone? My husband doesn’t seem to be bothered by it. 

 

I Assess Myself, And I See What?

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And so I come back to that point – What am I supposed to do? Am I doing the right thing? What exactly do I have to do? I feel so lost in my life right now, and frankly, it’s been so long since I made a stand and stuck with my choice. I always agreed with mom and dad since they pay for everything. It’s like I’ve become a robot. Where is my sense of self? I feel imprisoned and trapped. When will I be free?

 

What Do I Have To Change?

 

If I decide to woman up and stop my parents-in-law from enabling us, what will happen? Yes, I can feed my children with what I am earning now. The house is not in our name, and if we do decide to live here still, the house bills must be paid by us. Can we afford it? If only it were easy to talk to my spouse and give him a list of WHAT WE NEED TO DO, it would have been easier. 

 

But I can’t do that. I’ve tried it in the past, and my husband just can’t seem to follow what needs to be done. He is irresponsible and spoiled. His mother enabled him for such a long time. Did I quit on him? No. But I can’t do anything to bring us back on track, either. 

 

I can’t “talk” to him. We talk, but we’re not communicating on the things that matter. He’s been shallow for a very long time, selfish, and acting like a child. I’m full of resentment. Do I regret my impulsive decision of marrying him? Five years ago, I’d say yes. But I look at my daughter now and no regrets there. How can I reach him? Will I be able to get through to him and start planning on our life? Is this the life I want to lead forever? How will things change?

 

Relax, Think, And Decide

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My great uncle once said that if you are angry, don’t make a decision. If you don’t know what to do, relax and don’t do anything just yet. Talk to a psychiatrist, my uncle said. You can cleanse your mind with regular talk therapy sessions. I think he is right.

 

So maybe, for now, I have to relax. I have to think about myself and my daughter, without having to make rash decisions. I know now where my thoughtless decisions of the past have brought me. I can’t make the same mistakes again. I think I need to improve myself, for now. Talk to a therapist once a week, go back to school, and finish my degree so that when worse comes to worse, and I decide to leave him, I have a fallback. I can start a life.

 

I don’t want this, but I’m hurting inside every single day. I don’t know how much more I can take of this. If I can’t help my husband, I guess, I have to help myself.

Are You Enabling A Gambling Addict? You Need Therapy If You’re Doing That!

When Your Child Sees The Bad And You Don’t

 

He’s at it again, “borrowing” some money from my mom so that he can go out and play the slots. I have told my mom so many times that dad is a compulsive gambler. Personally, I believe that he is a gambling addict, but my mom refuses to acknowledge that fact. She says – Your dad is having a tough time right now with his injury and early retirement. We need to help him. 

 

My Dad Is A Gambling Addict

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It’s a ton of crap. Seriously? Early retirement? That is just a lie. He was fired from his job, not only because of his injury. It was something more. My dad was a cash custodian in their family business, and for years, he “borrows” money from their petty cash. He returns them, though, but he got caught. His brother can’t disgrace him, and so he was given the “early retirement” option with a monthly allowance until he is 70 years old. Good thing my uncle did that because he knew of my dad’s gambling issues. If he gave the whole retirement pay upfront, we’d be homeless since dad won’t pay the mortgage and spend it all in the casino.

 

Mom Was Enabling My Dad

 

Something is wrong with my mom too. I spoke with a counselor in school who also happens to be my best friend’s sister. Good thing I was comfortable with opening up my problems with her. It’s like having a shrink session once a month, but I know I needed more. I told her about the issues at home, and I learned that my dad was a gambling addict and my mom was unconsciously enabling him. She said that the term “enabling” comes from drug addiction therapy programs when addicts and their families are in group counseling to curb the behavior and to heal. I would like for that to happen to us because I hate what my dad has become and how stupid my mom looks.

 

Is It Support Or Not?

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Mom says that she is just supporting dad until he gets back on his feet. He’s been jobless for three years and continues to splash around money every allowance day until he gets dry which is usually five to seven days max. While he technically pays for the house we live in each month (my uncle made sure that a part of his allowance goes to house payments), the rest of it he uses to power his addiction. Selfish, right? 

 

Is this the support that my mom is saying? She is paying for everything else – cars, food, utilities and emergency expenses. Is this how “husband and wife life” is supposed to be? Is my mom obligated to do this? No, mom. You’re not supposed to be doing all these things. 

 

Tough Love, Commitment, And Responsibility

 

Since I’m 18 and about to graduate high school, I told my mom that I’m moving out. I said that I wanted to meet with her once a week with a family counselor and talk about our issues. She was hesitant at first but then agreed. It was hard for me, but I had to be tough. I wanted her to be tough as well for her sake and for my dad to grow up. 

 

My grandparents were kind enough to help me out and gave me a sweet deal. They said that I’m free to use their 2-bedroom apartment free for a year, but after that, I have to pay rent. But they added that I have to find a full-time job (my uncle offered me an entry-level position at the family business), or I continue with a college degree coupled with part-time work. 

 

Gramps said “I married your Grammy and we had nothing. We worked and went to school. It was a challenge, but we made it through. You will too.” I consider myself lucky. Good thing Gramps is smart and kind-hearted. If only my dad were like him – no addictions, aspiring for dreams and a family first kind-of-man. But he’s not. I guess genes has nothing to do with it. People can have the same blood flowing through their veins, but they can be extreme when it comes to personality, attitude, behavior, and all. 

 

Is There Hope?

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Will it change? I hope my little act of “defiance” on my mom will make her realize that she must not enable dad. If I help her with therapy, and she understands why, then my dad may have a chance. Hopefully, family counseling can shed light for us all.